Dear Playstation Vita,
You have the biggest, most gorgeous looking screen that there's ever been on a handheld gaming device. Your joysticks feel wonderful, like real joysticks (only mini). You are comfortable in my hands and I can grope both your front and back. I can touch you all over and get a response. Your d-pad is remarkably good, your battery life sufficient, your online....free. But you are not cheap, you are high class! Your sleek and sexy design makes other handhelds look childish -
But there's where our relationship goes south. You see that child's smiling face? He's playing a video game on his gaming device. This is something I want to do to you Vita. I want to take an enjoyable game and shove it in your slot...in....and out. The problem being is there isn't one to be found! Sure you have mini Uncharted, and mini Resistance, but neither of those games makes me feel like an 8 year old boy getting fingered by Mario...I long for that feeling with you Vita! I want to thrust at a good God of War game, I want to penetrate a Demon's Souls game, I want to climax over a solid RPG....I want you Vita...I want you....
You are like an older mistress filled with desires of obtaining a youthful bachelor to rekindle a love long lost because you let your career get in the way and now all you want is unabashed amounts of wild sex. Well that's what I want too! But we can't dance the tango of gaming love together without a good third party developer to support your beautiful screen.
All I can do now is just push your buttons, browse your apps, and watch youtube on you. These things cannot sate my young passionate desires (unless you get a redtube app). So please Vita...do us both a favor and go out into the world and show em' what your mama gave you! Let them experience your high def LED screen, let them see deep gaming worlds on a handheld, let them understand why a great gaming experience can be had on you!
For now Vita....we have to part ways. Please drop me a message on PSN when you get your act together and can support yourself.
You...have my gamertag.
Yours truly - Acefondu
