The Witcher Review

The Witcher 2 is nearing its release so I figure I should get my thoughts out about the first game that I just started playing again a few weeks ago. I obtained it on a steam deal for $6.00 and I must say...I feel quite ripped off.

The Witcher is everything that is wrong with Western RPG development, and doesn't do what Western RPG's do right either. It is possibly the worst game I have ever played in my life and I don't say that lightly. There are only a handful of games that I haven't completed on the account of I hated it. The Witcher not only joins that elusive club, but is probably its new king.

From the setting, to the battle system, to item management, characters, enemy behavior, spells, crafting, and especially the quests themselves, the Witcher manages to get every single one of these wrong.

Graphics:

Going into an RPG I care about this the least of all. But the Witcher doesn't disappoint in being flawed so hard that even I can't ignore the issues it has in the graphics department. Firstly, for a next gen title of its time, it looks really bad. Look no further than the main character himself. No detail to be found, and the hair....oh the hair just stands out like a sore thumb. Not since Vaan's abs in Final Fantasy 12 have I ever not been able to ignore a character feature before for just how bad it looks. It sticks out long, no texture, just white draped over his head like someone forgot to finish it...ugh!

And the NPC's are worse in that there are MAYBE 6 different models? You see the same character model everywhere unless they're a main character with lines. You have one dwarf type, one fat merchant, an old guy, hookers, and some sparse peasants and kids. I was always one to joke and comment about Oblivion re-using character models like crazy, but the Witcher goes overboard here.

Sound:

For me it's important for an RPG to have not only good voice acting, but a great soundtrack. The Witcher has neither. The voice acting is muted and uncaring. The main character Geralt is expressionless, never getting angry or sad, and simply never caring at all. Why is he even ON this quest? He doesn't give a shit ever and neither does the voice actor.

The music is less poor, but still terrible. The main theme plays way too much, and I think mainly because they didn't have enough money to pay for a variety of tunes. The other songs drain on you since the game makes you spend too much time in one area too long.

Story:

I actually began playing this game the moment I got it from the Steam sale which was about a year ago now. The story is a bit hazy for me so I took a look at the wiki to refresh my mind. Sure enough the wiki highlights just what is wrong with the plot perfectly enough. Geralt is a Witcher, loses his memory after awakening from death...(Jesus?) and generally heals people that can't be healed by normal means...(really...Jesus?). He's held up with a band of other Witchers who allow themselves to be robbed by a Mage and a pack of thugs.

How the sequence plays out if I remember correctly is just god awful. They had every chance to stop them from stealing their shit, but they don't and instead talk with them...at length...while they're stealing shit...and they go through a portal and oooohhh no....couldn't stop them....*snaps fingers* Shouldn't have been talking with them all that time...

So the quest for the game is to...get your shit back and probably Geralt's memory in the process, but really who cares (read character section).

As I said I didn't finish this game, but I can't really comment any further on the story either. Even though I plugged maybe 20 hours into this shit-fest the game NEVER brought up any key story points from then on! Oh, except for Geralt fucking anything with two legs, which hilariously if you read the Wiki plot synopsis it DOES actually mention every time Geralt is to be fucked in the plot...why? Probably because that's the only interesting thing going on while he's fetch questing....oh yes....there's fetch questing more than I have ever, EVER seen.

Gameplay:

Fetch Questing:

So the gameplay...err...I mean Fetch Questing of this game is trash. You sword fight by clicking on your enemy, then timing further clicks highlighted by the sword icon to increase your combo. That's it! Oh, yeah there is magic too...that's the right click. Magic varies from stunning enemies...to stunning a group of enemies...to setting them on fire...or casting a protect spell.

But the combat is so incredibly basic it doesn't allow for any strategy to develop at all. If you're weaker you lose, stronger you win, the end. You can't guard anything you want, dodge anything you want. All you can do is stand there and either get beat up, or beat things up. The game gives three stances, strong, fast, and group. You pick strong stance to fight...strong things....fast to attack...fast things....and group to attack....many things...What imagination employed here!

Leveling up involves going to a fireplace to meditate and place skill points where you want. Traditional things here, nothing special, moving on.

So outside of battling what actually takes up ALL your time in this game? Why fetch-questing of course. Fetch questing of the HIGHEST order, the worst kind of all. These are the kinds of fetch quests that BREED more fetch questing. What's worse is they are ALL boring, ALL tedious, and ALL encompassing of what you do in this game.

I will take an actual in game scenario and describe it to you. Let me know if you think this is fun:

In one quest you have to find this one chick in a hospital during the day to get her to do an autopsy, she tells you to meet with her in her house at night. Please note how HORRENDOUSLY tedious it is to change to night as you have to find a fireplace and there's only one and it's on the other side of town. Then travel back to her house which is guarded by an old lady who has random things to say and over half of them AUTOMATICALLY sends you back out of her house for NO reason. Once you MANAGE to get in and talk to the chick upstairs she agrees to do the autopsy...but you're not done. You have to learn about how to do an autopsy first and find the gravedigger....but the gravedigger doesn't show up at night! So you have to change it back to daytime....(note I gave up researching autopsies as I couldn't figure out how) then you find the gravedigger and ask for the corpse you need....except he wants Dwarven Booze first....which you get from the tavern. Travel to the tavern and buy some Dwarven Booze (though none of the liquor is labeled "Dwarven Booze" you have to make a shitty guess or buy all the booze). Then return it to the gravedigger who gives you the corpse. You then meet the chick who now wants you to go to the hospital at night (GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!) ....find fireplace, make it night now...and THEN do the autopsy.

Was that fun? Did you enjoy that? I hope you did because the above describes EVERYTHING you do in this game from start to finish. Below is a rough chart describing quests in this game:

"I need a rare flower" "Well sir you've come to the right place....except I need "X" thing first. Go see "X" guy to give me "X" thing." You meet "X" guy. "Hello, sure I'll give you "X" thing as long as you give me "Y" thing. To get "Y" thing go kill 10 "X" enemies." Kill 10 "X" enemies. Give to "Y" guy who gives you "X" thing. Give "X" thing to "X" guy who gives you a rare flower.

(note the above scenario does not include switching from night to day, or dying from encountering enemies you're not supposed to fight yet...)

Oh right! Did I mention that at any point in the game you will come accross enemies you're not supposed to fight yet? I didn't? Well in this game you will often come across enemies you can't defeat, die trying, and have to start from wherever you saved last to continue the fetch quest. My personal experience with this occurrence was as follows:

"Oh look, a giant red plant. I have defeated the giant green plants this should be no troub-LEWTFBULLSHITISTHIS??" .....*dead*....

So there you have it, The Witcher. Enough fetch questing to choke a horse (which you don't get in the game) and WTFBULLSHITISTHIS moments where you die immediately.

The worst part about this fetch questing is how you are often not told what to do. For instance in the example I mentioned, you are NOT told the gravedigger can only be found in the morning, or how to start the quest the chick cannot be found during the night in the hospital. You are not told where to get Dwarven Booze, and you are NEVER told where the research materials for autopsies are. Many quests like this you have to make shitty guesses.

What's worse is ONLY the main quests have a tracking marker on the map and even the tracking marker is bullshit. It will point you to a place, but often not update appropriately causing you to flounder around the red dot until you come to your senses like me and shut the damn game off.

Inventory:

So...much....shit. There's SO much shit in this game. 95% of the shit you get is ingredients to make MORE shit. Pretty much just potions to heal or buff stats, nothing special. What is retarded is you have to go to a damn fireplace every time you want to make something. WHY? And your inventory fills up VERY quick, so why can't I just make shit on the fly to get more space?

But really, everything gives you something. Plants that grow, enemies defeated, bushes, mushrooms, hundreds of types and sizes. Ridiculousness. And you always have to either find a fireplace to clear up inventory, or an innkeep to store your shit, or a merchant to sell your shit. Oh, the WORST thing is you have to find the RIGHT fatass merchant to sell specific things. Like a flower merchant won't buy Gold Rings you find, or the Tavern will ONLY buy your food and booze. That is ANNOYING. If I want to turn a profit on my collectibles I shouldn't have to seek out every single merchant in town to do so.

Oh, and the worst part about your inventory is you can only carry 3 weapons. You can never sell weapons without actually removing them from some of your slots either. So turning a profit off weapons is nigh impossible because you don't have inventory space to carry shitty ones for selling. You literally end up dropping weapons and picking up better ones on the go without being able to reap money off an old one.

Characters:

If you haven't stopped playing yet, and actually want to see who you're fighting for well then meet Geralt, your hero the Witcher.

Geralt is the only character you get to relate with outside of a slew of side characters that come and go as the game goes on. Geralt has no memory, rose from the dead, but unlike Jesus he's an asshole. Not just an asshole, but one that fucks every female he can. Any time you have a conversation with an NPC chick you will see and option to fuck her, and sometimes it is done on accident. Once, I banged a chick not knowing that would be the outcome of the option "how are you today?"*cue porno music* So this is the hero, this is the guy, an apathetic monotone amnesiac nymphomaniac who can't block attacks...Really, that's it. That is Geralt, that is your hero...

Conclusion:

I couldn't continue this game for any reason. The fetch questing, the constant fuck scenes, the incompetent battle system, gathering of ingredients to make potions that I NEVER gave a fuck about, the abominable and unforgiving night/day system, the inventory...nothing was fun about this game. Not one thing kept me those 20 hours save the idea that something interesting MIGHT happen, but it never did. I don't care if the game somehow got better in the story department later on, dealing with those fetch quests wasn't worth it, and will never be worth it. The story would have to change the very foundation of my moral fiber to swath through the unending number of NPC characters I have to barter with each and every quest.

You know how in most Zelda games there is a fetch quest? A quest where you trade random shit to different NPC's like 12 times until you end up with either the greatest sword or armor in the game? Those are fun for two reasons. First, you get something amazing at the end, and second...you do it ONE FUCKING TIME. Not through the whole game, but ONCE! The END! Here's the BEST SWORD IN THE FUCKING GAME for putting up with our stupid fetch quest bullshit. But in the Witcher? Here's 150 Orens (money) for that hour of running around we made you do...uh...thanks?

*100xp for fucking a whore*
(I only wish I could obtain xp that way)