The Witcher Review

The Witcher 2 is nearing its release so I figure I should get my thoughts out about the first game that I just started playing again a few weeks ago. I obtained it on a steam deal for $6.00 and I must say...I feel quite ripped off.

The Witcher is everything that is wrong with Western RPG development, and doesn't do what Western RPG's do right either. It is possibly the worst game I have ever played in my life and I don't say that lightly. There are only a handful of games that I haven't completed on the account of I hated it. The Witcher not only joins that elusive club, but is probably its new king.

From the setting, to the battle system, to item management, characters, enemy behavior, spells, crafting, and especially the quests themselves, the Witcher manages to get every single one of these wrong.

Graphics:

Going into an RPG I care about this the least of all. But the Witcher doesn't disappoint in being flawed so hard that even I can't ignore the issues it has in the graphics department. Firstly, for a next gen title of its time, it looks really bad. Look no further than the main character himself. No detail to be found, and the hair....oh the hair just stands out like a sore thumb. Not since Vaan's abs in Final Fantasy 12 have I ever not been able to ignore a character feature before for just how bad it looks. It sticks out long, no texture, just white draped over his head like someone forgot to finish it...ugh!

And the NPC's are worse in that there are MAYBE 6 different models? You see the same character model everywhere unless they're a main character with lines. You have one dwarf type, one fat merchant, an old guy, hookers, and some sparse peasants and kids. I was always one to joke and comment about Oblivion re-using character models like crazy, but the Witcher goes overboard here.

Sound:

For me it's important for an RPG to have not only good voice acting, but a great soundtrack. The Witcher has neither. The voice acting is muted and uncaring. The main character Geralt is expressionless, never getting angry or sad, and simply never caring at all. Why is he even ON this quest? He doesn't give a shit ever and neither does the voice actor.

The music is less poor, but still terrible. The main theme plays way too much, and I think mainly because they didn't have enough money to pay for a variety of tunes. The other songs drain on you since the game makes you spend too much time in one area too long.

Story:

I actually began playing this game the moment I got it from the Steam sale which was about a year ago now. The story is a bit hazy for me so I took a look at the wiki to refresh my mind. Sure enough the wiki highlights just what is wrong with the plot perfectly enough. Geralt is a Witcher, loses his memory after awakening from death...(Jesus?) and generally heals people that can't be healed by normal means...(really...Jesus?). He's held up with a band of other Witchers who allow themselves to be robbed by a Mage and a pack of thugs.

How the sequence plays out if I remember correctly is just god awful. They had every chance to stop them from stealing their shit, but they don't and instead talk with them...at length...while they're stealing shit...and they go through a portal and oooohhh no....couldn't stop them....*snaps fingers* Shouldn't have been talking with them all that time...

So the quest for the game is to...get your shit back and probably Geralt's memory in the process, but really who cares (read character section).

As I said I didn't finish this game, but I can't really comment any further on the story either. Even though I plugged maybe 20 hours into this shit-fest the game NEVER brought up any key story points from then on! Oh, except for Geralt fucking anything with two legs, which hilariously if you read the Wiki plot synopsis it DOES actually mention every time Geralt is to be fucked in the plot...why? Probably because that's the only interesting thing going on while he's fetch questing....oh yes....there's fetch questing more than I have ever, EVER seen.

Gameplay:

Fetch Questing:

So the gameplay...err...I mean Fetch Questing of this game is trash. You sword fight by clicking on your enemy, then timing further clicks highlighted by the sword icon to increase your combo. That's it! Oh, yeah there is magic too...that's the right click. Magic varies from stunning enemies...to stunning a group of enemies...to setting them on fire...or casting a protect spell.

But the combat is so incredibly basic it doesn't allow for any strategy to develop at all. If you're weaker you lose, stronger you win, the end. You can't guard anything you want, dodge anything you want. All you can do is stand there and either get beat up, or beat things up. The game gives three stances, strong, fast, and group. You pick strong stance to fight...strong things....fast to attack...fast things....and group to attack....many things...What imagination employed here!

Leveling up involves going to a fireplace to meditate and place skill points where you want. Traditional things here, nothing special, moving on.

So outside of battling what actually takes up ALL your time in this game? Why fetch-questing of course. Fetch questing of the HIGHEST order, the worst kind of all. These are the kinds of fetch quests that BREED more fetch questing. What's worse is they are ALL boring, ALL tedious, and ALL encompassing of what you do in this game.

I will take an actual in game scenario and describe it to you. Let me know if you think this is fun:

In one quest you have to find this one chick in a hospital during the day to get her to do an autopsy, she tells you to meet with her in her house at night. Please note how HORRENDOUSLY tedious it is to change to night as you have to find a fireplace and there's only one and it's on the other side of town. Then travel back to her house which is guarded by an old lady who has random things to say and over half of them AUTOMATICALLY sends you back out of her house for NO reason. Once you MANAGE to get in and talk to the chick upstairs she agrees to do the autopsy...but you're not done. You have to learn about how to do an autopsy first and find the gravedigger....but the gravedigger doesn't show up at night! So you have to change it back to daytime....(note I gave up researching autopsies as I couldn't figure out how) then you find the gravedigger and ask for the corpse you need....except he wants Dwarven Booze first....which you get from the tavern. Travel to the tavern and buy some Dwarven Booze (though none of the liquor is labeled "Dwarven Booze" you have to make a shitty guess or buy all the booze). Then return it to the gravedigger who gives you the corpse. You then meet the chick who now wants you to go to the hospital at night (GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!) ....find fireplace, make it night now...and THEN do the autopsy.

Was that fun? Did you enjoy that? I hope you did because the above describes EVERYTHING you do in this game from start to finish. Below is a rough chart describing quests in this game:

"I need a rare flower" "Well sir you've come to the right place....except I need "X" thing first. Go see "X" guy to give me "X" thing." You meet "X" guy. "Hello, sure I'll give you "X" thing as long as you give me "Y" thing. To get "Y" thing go kill 10 "X" enemies." Kill 10 "X" enemies. Give to "Y" guy who gives you "X" thing. Give "X" thing to "X" guy who gives you a rare flower.

(note the above scenario does not include switching from night to day, or dying from encountering enemies you're not supposed to fight yet...)

Oh right! Did I mention that at any point in the game you will come accross enemies you're not supposed to fight yet? I didn't? Well in this game you will often come across enemies you can't defeat, die trying, and have to start from wherever you saved last to continue the fetch quest. My personal experience with this occurrence was as follows:

"Oh look, a giant red plant. I have defeated the giant green plants this should be no troub-LEWTFBULLSHITISTHIS??" .....*dead*....

So there you have it, The Witcher. Enough fetch questing to choke a horse (which you don't get in the game) and WTFBULLSHITISTHIS moments where you die immediately.

The worst part about this fetch questing is how you are often not told what to do. For instance in the example I mentioned, you are NOT told the gravedigger can only be found in the morning, or how to start the quest the chick cannot be found during the night in the hospital. You are not told where to get Dwarven Booze, and you are NEVER told where the research materials for autopsies are. Many quests like this you have to make shitty guesses.

What's worse is ONLY the main quests have a tracking marker on the map and even the tracking marker is bullshit. It will point you to a place, but often not update appropriately causing you to flounder around the red dot until you come to your senses like me and shut the damn game off.

Inventory:

So...much....shit. There's SO much shit in this game. 95% of the shit you get is ingredients to make MORE shit. Pretty much just potions to heal or buff stats, nothing special. What is retarded is you have to go to a damn fireplace every time you want to make something. WHY? And your inventory fills up VERY quick, so why can't I just make shit on the fly to get more space?

But really, everything gives you something. Plants that grow, enemies defeated, bushes, mushrooms, hundreds of types and sizes. Ridiculousness. And you always have to either find a fireplace to clear up inventory, or an innkeep to store your shit, or a merchant to sell your shit. Oh, the WORST thing is you have to find the RIGHT fatass merchant to sell specific things. Like a flower merchant won't buy Gold Rings you find, or the Tavern will ONLY buy your food and booze. That is ANNOYING. If I want to turn a profit on my collectibles I shouldn't have to seek out every single merchant in town to do so.

Oh, and the worst part about your inventory is you can only carry 3 weapons. You can never sell weapons without actually removing them from some of your slots either. So turning a profit off weapons is nigh impossible because you don't have inventory space to carry shitty ones for selling. You literally end up dropping weapons and picking up better ones on the go without being able to reap money off an old one.

Characters:

If you haven't stopped playing yet, and actually want to see who you're fighting for well then meet Geralt, your hero the Witcher.

Geralt is the only character you get to relate with outside of a slew of side characters that come and go as the game goes on. Geralt has no memory, rose from the dead, but unlike Jesus he's an asshole. Not just an asshole, but one that fucks every female he can. Any time you have a conversation with an NPC chick you will see and option to fuck her, and sometimes it is done on accident. Once, I banged a chick not knowing that would be the outcome of the option "how are you today?"*cue porno music* So this is the hero, this is the guy, an apathetic monotone amnesiac nymphomaniac who can't block attacks...Really, that's it. That is Geralt, that is your hero...

Conclusion:

I couldn't continue this game for any reason. The fetch questing, the constant fuck scenes, the incompetent battle system, gathering of ingredients to make potions that I NEVER gave a fuck about, the abominable and unforgiving night/day system, the inventory...nothing was fun about this game. Not one thing kept me those 20 hours save the idea that something interesting MIGHT happen, but it never did. I don't care if the game somehow got better in the story department later on, dealing with those fetch quests wasn't worth it, and will never be worth it. The story would have to change the very foundation of my moral fiber to swath through the unending number of NPC characters I have to barter with each and every quest.

You know how in most Zelda games there is a fetch quest? A quest where you trade random shit to different NPC's like 12 times until you end up with either the greatest sword or armor in the game? Those are fun for two reasons. First, you get something amazing at the end, and second...you do it ONE FUCKING TIME. Not through the whole game, but ONCE! The END! Here's the BEST SWORD IN THE FUCKING GAME for putting up with our stupid fetch quest bullshit. But in the Witcher? Here's 150 Orens (money) for that hour of running around we made you do...uh...thanks?

*100xp for fucking a whore*
(I only wish I could obtain xp that way)

Zen Pinball Review

As a kid I used to see arcades nearly everywhere, in malls, just down the street, various arcade cabinets in Pizza parlors and restaurants, Chucky Cheese, and so on. Walking in you would hear various noises, screaming kids, music from rhythm games, ski ball, "hadoken!", or my personal favorite the sounds from the pinball tables. They drew me in every time, the lights, the bells and whistles, crappy voice overs when you did something well.


Even when I was too short to actually play these games I knew I loved them. They were so simple in concept yet so complex in execution. One silver ball, two paddles, and an endless score cap, this was the ultimate test of skill and endurance and it was alive. Not housed in a digital realm like the video games I was used to, not bound by lines of code, nor a set boss attack pattern to remember, these games were in reality boasted high speeds and ate money like nothing else. Legends were born and died on the high score board, initials were more than just people, they were gods!

Enter the future, where arcades are dead and pinball machines are relics of a forgotten past. Here we have Zen Pinball, an indie studio pinball game that came out some years back and their more recent affair Marvel Pinball. It has been quite a long time since anyone took on the virtual pinball world which took over from the arcades in the 90's. There was a long era of gaming where you couldn't go two months without another virtual pinball sim game, and more recently we would see maybe two or three a year all lackluster, all rather terrible. But Zen studios breaks the mold, they go full force, balls forward if you will. They GET Pinball, and know what makes it so great.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt these are my favorite downloadable games on PSN. Probably because I have a bias toward pinball in general as my above gushing of its history in my youth suggests, but also that these games from Zen are just really, really well made.

Graphics:

I have played probably every digital pinball game in existence at least on the PC and really dated titles on the NES and handheld systems and Zen/Marvel Pinball are the best looking pinball games I have ever seen. The ball is shiny and reflective, the boards are vibrant with color and lights, and the ball itself zooms with a tail to help track its movement and speed. Every table has a theme and the graphics reflect that theme all the way down to the paddles you use. From V-12's engine, to the red planet of the Mars table everything looks fantastic. There are some MINOR moments of frame hiccups when big events happen on a few tables, but it really doesn't hinder play as the ball is usually out of play during these sequences.

Also, I really love that they allow you so many options on these tables. You get 7 different views of the table to pick from, and you are allowed to show the score or not of everything you hit on-screen. So if you hit a ramp or anything you'll see a number like "5,000" in yellow pop up. Some people hate to see this some like it, but Zen let's you pick and that is quite rare in this day and age of gaming.

Sound:

The music for these games go from terrible to amazing and the voice acting is always bad, but really that's just a mark of a great pinball game to me. The music isn't that important though as Zen allows you the option to insert your own music to play during these long sessions of pinball madness. The sounds of the ball hitting things on the table is perfect, and hearing the ball roll around gives weight to it as well.

Gameplay:

Ah, the most important part of any virtual pinball game is how it plays. I have played so many I can tell the immediate pitfalls developers make. Many make the ball too floaty, have bad camera selections, targets that make the ball drain to the side immediately without fail, and just plain awful graphics.

Zen makes none of these mistakes. They clearly made a "video" pinball game though, and I am fine with that. The physics aren't perfect, but they are consistent. They made a fast and tight pinball game with many unrealistic tables. Tesla is a good example wherein one mission the ball becomes magnetized and sticks to other balls causing a whirring of Tesla science! Or the mechanics of the table in general where suddenly you're not using flippers but magnets to bounce the ball around.

Practically none of these tables could be played in real life, but that's exactly what makes these games fantastic video pinball games. Purists harp on how video pinball games should be as close to real life as possible, and to that I argue why? Why make something real life already has? That's kinda the point of video games, to be imaginative and fun. Let me tell you, these tables are not short on imagination. Every table presents new and fun challenges to overcome. Difficult shots and tight timing are paramount in every table. Learning every nook and cranny is very important to last and reach a new high score.

Comparisons:

If you're on the PSN though and you're wondering which set of tables to get either the Zen original or Marvel tables I would of course urge you to get both but here are the differences. The original tables come with 4 initially, V-12, Tesla, Shaman, and El Dorado. All are great, and this game has MANY DLC tables Street Fighter, Ninja Gaiden, Earth Defense, Mars, Excalibur, and Paranormal. These are also all great tables, and you can't get them through the Marvel pinball package.

However, the old Zen tables are not presented nearly as well as the Marvel tables. For one, you have to be online to see your scores, you only get ONE high score instead of the usual top 10 scores that I am used to for pinball, and the loading is atrocious. I mean it takes a solid minute to load up a table on this game. Marvel doesn't have these issues. You get a top 10 local leader board, also your online friends combine to form what is called a "hero" score. The higher scores you and your friends have all add up to give you a personal hero score. Ultimately the more friends you have the higher your score, but your personal scores matter too. It's an interesting concept and something that wasn't employed in the first game.

On the Marvel side you get 4 tables and DLC is incoming. Wolverine, Spiderman, Ironman, and Blade are the first 4 and all of them are great. My favorite is the Wolverine table so far though. This will probably be the set Zen supports in the future as we'll see Captain America, and probably the Hulk tables soon. Either choice is a good one, but I do prefer the new interface of the Marvel tables.

The best part is what a value these tables are. I remember paying $9.99 at Best Buy for the last PC pinball game I ever got called Fantastic Journey. It was ONE table...and not a very good one either. With Zen you get 4 tables for $9.99, and the DLC tables are only $2.50. For me, I put countless hours into each one, lost days at a time to just the Tesla table alone. The value is astounding if you're a pinball nut, and won't break the bank if you're casually interested.

So don't hesitate to give these a try if you've ever been interested in pinball or disappointed by years of crappy digital pinball offerings of the past.

*lock is lit!*

Game Companies or "Game Companies"?

A recent article on IGN.com sparked my curiosity on marketing and shift in business interest in this current generation of gaming. Between the PS3 and Xbox 360, recently we are being told that these systems are NOT gaming consoles but are instead "something more." More specifically both consoles are trying to become the centerpieces of the family entertainment center through increasingly more and more complex add-ons and marketing.

The reasoning behind this is simple and no more noteworthy than a fast food chain offering a new sandwich with "apple wood bacon" or "mountain jack cheese." Will the sandwich taste incredibly different than what was offered before? Doubtful. But the goal is clear, to draw in new customers, and clearly members of the gaming community are being told again and again that we are not worth it anymore. Our community is too small to keep up with the ever expanding game industry it seems.

With the additions of Kinect and Sony's Move, gamers of yesteryear are becoming all but obsolete as gaming companies strive to collect anyone remaining no matter what demographic category that person falls into. Both companies following in Nintendo's footsteps have realized the gaming community as it was, was far too small and largely unprofitable. Once Nintendo opened the floodgates of the market to nearly any demographic, Sony and Microsoft took note and are now scratching and clawing their way to appeal to those new groups as much as humanly possible.

The question, and problem I'm dealing with is will this lead to the downfall of gaming as we know it? It's really looking that way. Both Sony and Microsoft are outwardly against calling their machine a gaming system all of the sudden. Not more than 3 or 4 mere years ago they were fighting tooth and nail at how many exclusive games they had, and which system had more power and how the Blu-Ray format would fail. On and on they went, but here we are in 2011 and all they can argue about is who got Netflix and Hulu on their system first. Which has an internet browser, and which can play Blu-Ray movies. Which system can be voice activated and sans a controller.

These are not gaming movements by any means, and profitability will drive their futures. Is it more profitable to produce games like Dead Space, or video chat apps for Kinect? That's what developers will ask, and are asking. The answer if obvious for anyone following the likes of Nintendo and Pop-Cap games. But it's further escalated when these two companies are now trying to take over the hub of entertainment itself.

What's worse is consumers are buying into it and wasting their money. A decent PC off the line at HP or Dell can do what any video game console can do and much more. However, PC's don't advertise themselves like game consoles. HP or Dell won't say our PC is not a PC like game companies say our game system is not a game system. I believe that's what irks me most about this recent marketing affair. They are going so far to stray away from the idea that the PS3 or Xbox 360 actually plays video games, they almost seem to cringe at the idea that they do in fact play games.

I think the main issue I take from this is not only the idea that I and my fellow gaming community cohorts are no longer required, but the idea that Sony and Microsoft are falling into a shallow place of a cliched phrase "Jack of all trades, masters of none." Currently, both systems house credible third party titles that further push the boundaries of gaming any way they can but it's becoming less and less prevalent over the years.

Developers are closing their doors faster and faster, changing names, merging with larger developers, and normally making one game then vanishing forever. Many of them now are profiting through games on Facebook, or cell phone games to outweigh losses through making big budget games. The day is coming when these developers no longer see the need for the big budget title at all, and that may be coming sooner than we think.

Not to mention gaming is getting more and more dependent on sequels as companies become more wary on what games will bring a return and what games won't. After Nier and The World Ends with You Square openly said they would not be doing any new IP's in the forseeable future as both games sold poorly (but both were infinitely better than Final Fantasy 11, 12, 13 and 14 combined). They also just approved future game names such as Final Fantasy 13-2 and Final Fantasy Type-0, Type-1, and Type-2. What the holy hell is this? How far into sequel and prequel naming do we have to get to before people realize these games are terrible now?

Beyond that we're into so many new iterations of Call of Duty and Rock Band, and World of Warcraft expansions that they stopped numbering them all-together. Most games of a series have reached the 5's and 6's and those numbers are growing fast. Soon there won't be any creative eye driving gaming, there will only be one game to classify a genre much in the way EA did with Madden in the football sim game genre. You better love Call of Duty, because soon that may be the only series able to financially hold it's own in the first person shooter genre in the future.

...or the genre will be reduced to an Iphone app where you click on your friends and a video pops up of them pretending to be shot...then you see a "+10" added to your score.
^^^patent pending^^^

*Change is scary...ever see Lincoln on the penny? His eye is following me!*