Zelda Skyward Sword - Worst Zelda Ever?

Before anyone goes crazy and accuses me of giving Zelda the whip (see picture) for baseless reasons please note that Zelda does not deserve a free pass either. Like any game it deserves the critical eye just as much if not more so than any other game. With that, fellow gamers, ask yourself this question: What is the best part about a Zelda game? Is it A. Dungeons; B. Boss Fights; C. Unique Items; D. Story; or E. The random mindless traversing/backtracking between dungeons. If you answered anything but E, then unfortunately Zelda Skyward Sword is not the Zelda you are looking for.

Zelda Skyward Sword probably wants to be known best for its use with the Wii Motion Plus, and while I will be sure to criticize that in a moment too, let it be known that 90% of this game is taken up by running around the land in search of meaningless garble just to get to the next dungeon.

Gameplay:

Admittedly, Zelda has been known to do this since Ocarina of Time but to what extent? A few casual hours of exploring the world, followed by a half hour of focused time on how to get to the next dungeon was the norm for most Zelda games and no complaints there. But Skyward Sword takes that idea to new heights! Between the third and fourth dungeon I shit you not I spent nearly 5 hours roaming around doing fetch quests for various characters until they finally gave me what I wanted...a god damn entrance to a dungeon! I actually fell asleep during this period, and I rarely if ever fall asleep during a game but this was such a mind numbing experience I zonked out like a light.

The worst part of this running around is the severe lack of exploration. Zelda games of the 3D age have been for the most part hilariously enjoyable to roam about in. Searching towns, talking with NPC's, doing side quests, playing mini games, finding boundless amounts of secrets, but this game? This game has practically none of that. The "roaming" consists of ONE town, boring NPC's, boring side quests with little to no payoffs, and a relatively empty sky to fly around in. Also, the game only has 3 areas to go to...THREE! How many years was this game in development? But really, those 3 areas are it, and they aren't very big either. I'd argue the north-east section of Wind Waker is twice the size of each of these areas.

Of course, size is nothing without content and shockingly despite how small these areas are they also have very little to do in them. Sure, you go back to each 3 or 4 times before you're done with the quest but the only thing you do in those areas relates to the main quest. There's nothing really to explore in the areas. You only unlock new parts of the areas with the items you get from the dungeons too. I am very flummoxed by the idea that it took Nintendo this long to make a game smaller than even a Game Boy sized RPG...and yet take just as long if not longer to beat with the insane amount of fetch quests you have to do.

Add insult to injury another part of this game I cannot stand is your "guide," or the "navi" of the game. I hate her so much I forgot her name so there! She is the blue bitch that tells you what to do every step of the way. Despite her constant blathering I still had to use a strategy guide to tell me where to go next once and a while. Still, she becomes a nuisance once you're in a dungeon. I never get lost in a dungeon, I needed the guide for the random bullshit fetchings you have to do to GET to the dungeons in the first place. What annoys me is when she's basically solving the dungeon puzzles for me. That's the BEST part about any Zelda game is how to move through the dungeons and she's sitting there blathering on in every room telling me how to do this or that. SHUT UP backseat gamer!

What I hate most about her though, his her dumbass expositions. Whenever a plot element is to be revealed or explained she has to SKATE around like a fucktard whilst telling you the story. Like...why? Stop it! It's irritating. Coupled with her bullshit noises she makes while she speaks my mental stability really begins to lose the battle for sanity after a couple minutes. Seriously, this character ruined what little fun I was having playing this game.

Not all is bad about Skyward Sword. As I mention in the title, while I feel it's probably the worst Zelda I have ever played that by no means it is the worst game ever. The dungeons are still really good fun, the boss battles are okay, and the items range from neat to this is stupid. Never the less these moments make the game somewhat playable and fun...until you get to the motion controls that is...

The motion controls...work...That's about the highest compliment I can give them. So they work, big deal, does that make it fun? The answer is no, not at all, and no. The game uses the Wiimote as if it was your sword, so while you're resting your hand down playing the game Link is running around with the sword pointed out like a jackass. What makes this 1:1 sword movement stupid though comes down to the enemies you fight. They are all basically exactly the same. They have defense spots and their only weakness is what they're not defending at the time...so you swing at it. Sometimes this works, sometimes the Wiimote doesn't swing exactly how you wanted it, but I'll call that user error and give the game the benefit of the doubt.

My point being is that this isn't any fun. I'm not enthralled by having to swing a certain way against every enemy I come across just to be successful. Eventually, I just started throwing bombs at them. Not even joking. The game suddenly became much more enjoyable hucking bombs at enemies rather than flailing around finding their weak spots. I actually got a good chuckle at some of the enemies reacting to my bomb hucking, like the plants that actually eat them and blow up. Moral of 1:1 ratio sword fighting is:

1:1 ratio sword fighting < blowing shit up.

Another complaint I have is Link's stamina bar. What Link HAS a stamina bar? Why? No seriously, why? As I started playing I began to think, ok, maybe they put in some interesting gameplay element with Link not being able to run for very long...then they didn't! No, unlike, say a good game like Shadow of the Colossus where the stamina gauge was a genius gameplay element Link in this game...just really fucking sucks at being Link. Consider EVERY other Link could infinitely roll across the fields of Hyrule while this one has to take a breath every 3 rolls, or 10 seconds of sprinting, this Link is clearly the worst Hero we have ever had the displeasure of controlling in a Zelda game. PROVE ME WRONG!

Lastly, I'd like to complain more about the motion controls. Why did they feel the need to add it to literally everything you do in the game? I get the sword fighting, shooting arrows with the pointer, and MAYBE even rolling the bombs which is kinda fun. But you have to wiggle the nunchuck to roll? WHY? You have to guide Link with it while swimming? Everything you do is tied somewhere to motion controls. You can't once just relax and play the game, you have to be physically active with it too like some mental patient or those annoying cousins that would move the controller around like a steering wheel in a racing game and make a bunch of obnoxious racing car noises!

Oh...and the items in this game suck too. Look at that PICTURE! A WHIP? FUCK THAT!
So older Zelda games...cool boombarangs, giant hammers, giant ball and chain, a lens that sees through walls....and here we have a Whip and a bug that you guide around areas to hit switches...ugh...

Not to mention how god awful the shields are in this game. They break! They ALL break! And they look stupid too. But seriously, how am I expected to have a realistic combat experience if my god damn shield keeps breaking? I just flat out quit using it, what's the point?

Story:

The game starts off well enough and you get a sense of Zelda being a real person with real feelings...then she goes away and we're left high and dry with that stupid blue bitch I discussed earlier. Honestly, Twilight Princess's Minda was such a HUGE leap forward for the Zelda series in characterization. She was amazing, funny, witty, and heartfelt. She was the best character Nintendo ever made and her replacement? THIS! I couldn't be more appalled. I could try to be more appalled but I would not succeed.

So the story more or less stops right after Zelda gets abducted. You see some gay dude...who pretends to be evil...but he's just a little fucktard. I mean seriously, we go from big giant evil Ganon to this androgynous little punk? Where is the sense of danger here? I'm more threatened by some of James Bond's cheesy villains. That's really the story from here on out. Evil gay dude threatens you now and then mentioning evil things he wants to do and most of those evil things involve making you collect more bullshit to get to the next dungeon.

Music:

Finally a fully orchestrated Zelda game! Too bad the music isn't very good...

Graphics:

Awful. They seriously don't look finished to me. Some of the textures are muddy, I swear there are things missing shadows, and overall the game is pure ugly. Wind Waker for instance, though different, appeared finished and consistent throughout and easily the best looking Zelda there has ever been. This game? Not even close. Probably doesn't help that I play the game without component cables on an HD TV. GET WITH THE TIMES NINTENDO!

Conclusion:

All my bitching aside, if you can tolerate hours and hours and hours and HOURS of bullshit just to get to the admittedly amazing dungeons then go ahead and play this Zelda. Truthfully, your time is much better spent going through any other Zelda game for a better gameplay experience....even if you've already played it before.

*Used Hookshot to escape from this game!*