Max Payne hit DVD yesterday and it just pisses me off. Here we have a game that's perfectly suited to be adapted into a movie. It has a clear story and gameplay that's almost literally based on slow motion sequences from action movies. So, you need three things to make a good Max Payne movie. You need an actor who looks the part, you need slow motion gunfights, and you need them to be poetically self narrated. Seriously, why is that so freaking hard?
Really quickly, for those of you who don't know, the story is as such: A cop's family is murdered and as he degenerates in a downward spiral of depression and obsession, he uncovers the massive drug conspiracy that caused their deaths, killing everyone in his path. So, you know, basically any action film made in the 80s.
Ok, first we heard about the cast. Decent casting, I'll say that for sure. Mark Wahlberg definitely looks the part of Max, and he's a decent enough actor. Ok, no worries there. Then theres a quick appearence by Olga Kurylenko, the most recent Bond girl. Not the best actress in the world, but certainly not awful. Then there's... ew. Mila Kunis. I'll just ignore her. Wait... she's playing Mona Sax? MEG FROM FAMILY GUY!? PLAYING A BEAUTIFUL FEMME FATALE!? I... I was willing to overlook this one at first, but upon re-seeing the film... ick. Add that to the fact that Jack Lupino, the supposed ultimate warrior killing machine is played by the mexican guy from Prison Break, and we sort of have a problem here.
Well at least we get plenty of gruesome action scenes, with blood splattering and bullets flying and... oh... wait... its PG-13? Really? Well, ok. That's not the worst news ever. It can still work, as long as all the action scenes are just as stylish and beautiful as the trai... ler... Oh no. The ONLY slow motion and stylized sequences in the film are in the trailer, folks. The ONLY ONES. In a film, based on a game, literally set ENTIRELY around slow motion action scenes... I counted two of them. Two. One consisted literally entirely of Max firing one shotgun, once. Dear god. Why is this such a difficult formula? Every action movie in the past ten years has had entirely too much slow motion. Now, the ONE TIME when it's all I'm asking for, NOW hollywood decides to hold back. That's just peachy.
Well, at least we have that atmospheric, poetic naration to look forward to! The trailer teases us with the haunting lines, "There's an army of bodies under this river, people who ran out of time, out of friends. I could feel the dead down there, reaching up to welcome me as one of their own. It was an easy mistake to make." Gorgeous! Moody, atmospheric, a little over the top, and above all, just like the game! If the movie has narration even half this good... uh oh... why are you looking at me like that? Oh, that's right. The movie has next to NO narration. It opens with similar line sto the trailer, and then there's nothing. Nothing at all until the close of the film. The entire storytelling style of the Max Payne game hinges on old fashioned over the top narration, one of the EASIEST things to write, and they just, what DECIDED not to do it? What the HELL!? Did the film makers even PLAY the game?
I have NEVER been more disappointed in my life. I had high expectations, and they got completely and utterly DASHED. It makes me want to go on a slow motion killing spree. I genuinely don't understand what makes it so damned difficult to make a movie based on a game. Cut only what you have to, try to remain true to the spirit of the film, and above all, try to retain the STYLE. Doom was hardly the best movie I've ever seen, but it sure as hell FELT like the game. Silent hill was atmospheric and creepy, using the unnerving music and sound effects I know so well from the series. But it seems for every single DECENT adaptation I've ever seen, there are a million Uwe Boll films out there destroying things I love.
It pains me to say this, because I'm the kind of guy who loves adaptation, to see a game or comic or book become a movie, but if you can't start getting it right, for the love of god STOP DOING IT. This is Kyle Fulton, reminding you to use your bullet time sparingly. You run out fast.
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